the bpd sufferer's Journal|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
the bpd sufferer's LiveJournal:
[ << Previous 20 ]
[ << Previous 20 ]
|Monday, April 13th, 2015|
Hi, thanks for having me. I'm 28 and was diagnosed with BPD in 2013. I get really worked up quite easily, which sucks. Like tonight, I couldn't get my new LJ working so I got really frustrated. Now it all works and I'm sitll a little upset. I would love to connect to people who can relate.
|Monday, February 16th, 2015|
|Saturday, October 18th, 2014|
Has anyone tried magnetic stimulation? I've failed many medications and while I've been afraid of ECT, the magnetic alternative has been recommended to me. Im going to see the local psychiatrist that offers the therapy to talk about it, but I was wondering if anyone had any personal experiences they'd share? Thanks in advance...
|Monday, June 3rd, 2013|
Hi, didn't know this comm existed. I don't have a diagnosis fo BPD, but have related diagnoses (DID/PTSD) and stronglys uspect I have BPD. I meet about six or seven of het criteria, but the one I certianly don't meet is idealizing/devaluing my partner. This is pretty much what people think of as BPD (besides the self-harm,w hich I do have unfortunately). I am considering going to a trauma center for diagnosis, because I'm not tuoo sure I ave DID either. At least, I got het core symptom of having alters, but other DID people think I'm fake. Anyway, just wanted to say hello.
|Wednesday, May 15th, 2013|
Im new to the group. I have been dealing with BPD for pretty much my whole life. I am what you call the girl with every check. every sign of it i got. I haven't ever taken meds for it, cause i had a really bad drug problem. I will be clean of drugs 2 years on june.1st. I haven't cut in maybe, 2.5 years! I haven't had a real mental breakdown in a long time, i have kind of pushed the BPD into the back of my mind to try and get on with my life. So far it was good. They came the birth of my son a year ago may.6th, well let me just tell you i had no idea about him at all. so im like the women on didn't know i was pregnant.... Well i wasnt with the father at the point of me having my son. However i was dealing with 6 years of off and on with him. I was so in love, but he lied, cheated, stole. everything. Also has a 3 year old daughter i just found out about. Well after i had my son hey placed him in foster care cause i didnt have the ideal life. he was placed for a month before i got him back when i was living in a kind of group home for moms and babies. It was a really hard time, me and the father tried to work things out. Then i found the other women he had been lying to me about for almost 3 years. I did end up taking him back before new years when i moved back home, well i moved in with his parents. thank god they were there for me, cause my family is a load of fucking shit. well we got a room for new years, 2 hours before midnight she shows up at the door. Shes was all like i was with him in his room 2 hours before you got here and we were smoking meth together, then the owner comes and says this is true. Well this just broke me into a million and a half pieces. I had held on for so long i was scared of hitting rock bottom again. he made me believe this was all a lie and it never happened. Well let me tell you we stayed together for a couple more months then out of no where he stopped talking to me cause they got back together. didnt dump me, just stopped talking to me. well at that time i took to drinking alot, i was never drunk around my son or badly hungover. well childrens aid got involved cause he called them. jerk right, well they placed my son with his family. Im now living on my moms floor. everything just hit me at once. i havent ever felt this way before. i am sooo broken i cant breath half the time. I now have to do a drug treatment/parenting group. Im waiting about 3 more months before i can even think of getting my son back. I am 100 percent sober and trying to do everything for him. I am with a new guy, but i havent even met him. He lives 3 hours away from me, but were madly in love. Yet my bpd is getting in the way and i try and end it everyday cause im so scared of getting hurt like my ex hurt. this guy is perfect in everyway. we talk 24-7. He is a huge support to me i have never been so happy to have a guy in my life. Im just sooooo scared of everything. well again things were going good, i found a job i start training for today. I might have a cute little apartment to stay at till i find a bigger place end of the month. Then yesterday i find out my ex is going to marry the women he cheated on me for 3 years with. Im sooo lost right now. I hate him but i love him. I thought he was my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever........ I dont know what to do anymore. Im freaking out. I want to crawl into a ball and die. I cant if i want to get my son back, but its reall hard going thought life when all i can think of is why cant i just have one thing good for me. yes i do have the most perfect son in the world. yet im not allowed to be alone with him and i dont see him more then 2 times a week. Sure i have the most awesome supportive boyfriend i can ever imagine. yet we sill havent meet and when we do we cant see each other more then once or twice a month.... I dont know what to do anymore.... im falling off the deep end...... Current Mood: freaking out
|Thursday, May 2nd, 2013|
How long does it take to hit you if you miss your meds?? If i miss one night i feel off, and by the next DAY im suicidal and dangerous. I take a week at a time with me wherever I go because im so afraid something will happen and i can't get them. My meds are my lifeline. What meds do you take? Im on 80mg geodon 2x/day, and lexapro 40mg.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
|Wednesday, May 1st, 2013|
So a couple days ago I saw a therapist at a free clinic to tell her I think I'm BPD. I'm sure they love it when we self diagnose but I do social work and see enough and read enough to think I might be right. There was a teaching on it laying on a table at work and I was shocked to see myself in it.
My only diagnosis so far was disthymic depression. But she only talked to me when I was really sad and I didn't get into my cray cray stuff. if I keep to myself I am fine. But when a guy comes around I like, such as recently I can sleep with him the first night unprotected. Let him talk me into going to a strip bar with him when I've not gone to a bar for 10 years and this need to be submissive comes out if it is the right guy. Guy number two (which was the only guy for me in two years) fit the bill of being controling, agressive, bossy, and sexually willing to do anything. I'm not into bsdm but seem to want the control and punishment aspect with sex. Keep in mind it hasn't happened before, but almost did if I hadn't stopped a risky meeting I had arranged to try this. Also, I wrote a letter giving this guy full control of me and then broke up with him a few days later because he wasn't paying enough attention/calling me. I broke up with him twice and the other guy twice in short times.
Besides that I have lost so many friendships, family, jobs do to the inability to maintain these relationships. I have been depressed all my life or the life of the party. I have felt so empty and want someone to take care of me. I've survived rape and abuse and now work as an advocate... but I am kind of a mess. I'm trying God this time to heal me. I have not been diagnosed, but a psychologist I just talked to recomended I try Dialectic Behavior therapy first.
|Friday, March 22nd, 2013|
Does anyone else lose time, or have a warped sense of memory? For instance, sometimes i'll remember doing or saying things that noone else remembers me doing...or sometimes i'll lose an hour or so...sometimes i'll even experience something one day and remember dreaming about that exact same thing the night before...
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
|Friday, September 30th, 2011|
I never post in communities –ever, I pretty much read everyone else’s and keep to myself. But lately I’m home alone 6 out of 7 days a week and the isolation is deafening. I have ADHD, Server Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Server Depression; I’m a recovered anorexic and have recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I feel so alone in my own thoughts. I can’t seem to even pluck up the courage to make friends online. So here I am putting all my fears aside in the hope of connecting with someone, anyone. I am currently on 125mg Efexor (am) and 25mg Seroquel (pm) and am about to get psychiatric assessment at a clinic in the city, where I’ll either stay in the resident for a few weeks then start the day programs or just start the day programs there.
Besides all the bad stuff going on, I am getting married to be best friend, soul mate and sole carer in just over 4 months. I’m hoping by then the scars will fad and I will have more control. I want to be able to truly show my happiness and not let my demons ruin my one perfect day. I live at with my fiancé and our two cats, and am pretty much a closet nerd. I don’t really have any hobbies but had certain obsessions that come and go in waves.
I’m hoping this post and x-posted will get me out there and prove to myself that rejection is not the only opinion. That I can have friendships, meaningful and fulfilling relationships. And maybe, just maybe there is someone else out there just like me.
Thanks and feel free to add me (with a small comment about yourself :))
Sorry for the x-posting
|Saturday, September 10th, 2011|
My mood shifts constantly throughout the day without reason. I think this has to do a lot with what I consume, but I try to be sensitive and always control my consumptions. It's possible I am bipolar and/or have ADHD. I can't focus, I distract myself, I am involved in many other dangerous activities including putting myself in a situation that was deliberate sex for favors. I need physical attention, I feel alone and spread out. I got into a car accident this week and it forced me to re-examine my life from a new angle. I want to make some big changes. My neck also hurts.
Does xanax help anyone get thru projects? What are any otc meds that can help with mood swings or lack of focus? I feel completely vulnerable now. I need to decide a job and run with it, but I just don't know. I have been distracting myself for so long taking side jobs promoting, selling shots, vjing when possible, and I used to be a hairstylist then I quit. I was never any good though. I would need to go to school again. Anything help
|Friday, April 1st, 2011|
Have any of you ever experienced a psychotic episode? I've never had one but I want to know what it's like, and how you coped etc. Thanks in advance.
|Sunday, February 27th, 2011|
i'm doing a study on borderline personality disorder - if you or someone you know currently has or has recovered from bpd, i would SO appreciate you taking a few minutes to take a survey for me; it would be such a big help. just shoot me an email to email@example.com and i will send the survey your way! those who are self-diagnosed are encouraged to take the survey also! thanks everyone <3
(btw, i have been diagnosed with bpd for a few years now, and i'm trying to gather all the information i can, as i'm writing a book on my experience with the disorder. feel free to add me on fb - facebook.com/mallorieee - if you have time, please feel free to post this on your page as well :])
|Friday, February 25th, 2011|
Does it make me a bad person that I just ate a fuck ton of pasta bake and now I want to throw up and do it all over again till it's gone? Fml
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
|Monday, January 31st, 2011|
hey... new here... who cares
hey... guess i'll join another community i probably will never post to.
i was diagnosed with bpd many years ago after i slashed the crap out of myself because it's the only thing i can do to help my anger. whoopie.
guess my pysch was right.
so hi there. i'll talk more later. i'm in a horrible "flare" right now of this. not generally good to talk right now, i guess... just wanted to introduce myself.
hmm... i'm a 28-year-old cartoonist and an artist living in southern indiana. i'm an aspiring novelist, though, and i also decided to get a career in physical therapy until i hit that bestseller list. *snark* i'm moody as all get out (aren't we all) and live in indiana. i'm miserable in my current home with my roommates and am looking forward to moving back up to northern indiana to be around my family. right now, i work at arby's... which is reason enough to slice myself up at night. pfft... trying to get a new job at a bookstore or library or some place relating to books. i also love to do foster and rescue work for animals.
so... there we go. peace...
|Tuesday, November 30th, 2010|
"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?" -Kahlil Gibran
|Wednesday, November 10th, 2010|
Attaching yourself to certain things/loss of identity/unstable sense of self/projection.
I just wondered if anybody else experiences this.
I read an entry on here recently in which someone said that as soon as they have the slightest bit of romantic interest in someone, they constantly imagine that person being there with them, and act accordingly to what this person would think. They even imagine that this person can hear their thoughts, and wonder what they would think etc. So in a way, they kind of lose themselves and become defined by this person. Now, I do this too.
But it also got me thinking of something else that I do, which is very similar, with tv programmes. Most people watch tv as light entertainment and unless they are watching it/looking forward to watching it, don't think about it much. However, when a certain tv programme I watch is airing, for however many weeks/months that may be, it is as if I live my life half in the real world and half inside that tv programme. It's really hard to describe, but it's like that tv programme is constantly there with me. It's more than just being a fan of the show. It's as if I and my lifestyle is somehow defined by it.
I cling onto the show, become very attached to and absorbed by it. It is even worse with reality tv shows, as these are more real. For example, X Factor is airing currently and I feel as if I am only slightly in my actual life, but far more connected to the X Factor. Which sounds crazy, I know. With reality tv shows, it's likely I'll get very, very attached to a certain contestant, and then I am consistently terrified of that person being voted out of the show, because it always has a very strong negative effect on me. When this has happened in the past, I've gone into periods of depression which can last upto a week, which seems so irrational. The tv show kind of seems more real than my actual life.
When the show (most strongly Skins, Big Brother and The X Factor) is on, it's like I'm consumed by it, and the knowledge of it ending is always in the back of my mind, and fills me with a kind of dread. When a series ends, I feel very lost and confused and don't know what to do with myself. Everything can seem very bland and empty. It's like I unknowingly tie myself to it and when it's gone, so have I - I'm just lost and empty.
I don't really know how else to describe it. It sounds really weird now, reading it, but that's how it is. Does anyone else get this?
|Sunday, November 7th, 2010|
Looking for support
I'm really looking for support here.. I have just finally been able to diagnose (from a partners point of view) what my boyfriend of 3 years is suffering from. He actually has every classic symptom on the chart without exception. I love him so much. I have tried to work with him from day 1. He has just ran off again after demonizing me as his enemy again. He usually has a 2 month cycle.. he will go from mine to his dads and back again.. always around 2 months before he demonizes us. When he is sedate he is absolutely lovely and does the idealising thing. By nature I do that all the time because I am quite earth mothery.. that might be how we work.. but also I have huge tolerance. I really want us to succeed. It seems what he does is that if any little perceived thing goes wrong.. he either feels terrible, embarrassed, stupid or guilty.. and a lot of the time he accuses me of making him feel like that when it's already inside him waiting to come out.. I think after reading about BPD, what he thinks will happen after these minute life-things (for example breaking a glass) he thinks I will tell him to go (the abandonment thing) and this sets off a whole trigger of emotional collapse where he seems to find it most easiest to hate.. he goes silent.. doesn't want me anywhere near him.. this includes in sight or in the same room.. he will leave that room.. by hating me I understand it is easier than crying/begging don't hurt me/leave me (which won't happen) he must suddenly feel really sick inside.. and I really try to resolve it with talking.. the timing when he runs off happens because his unresolved anger at all the tiny things that build up, literally explode into a full blown episode of immense hate.. he packs his bags in front of me.. is very manipulative, verbally abusive.. belittling.. enjoying it.. I believe he is 'fixing' himself by packing and leaving me every time.. taking the punishment out on me.. for the resentment of his past.. it makes him feel instantly in control and cutting off emotion with it must make him feel absolutely fantastic.. I can imagine he almost gets a high.. but for me as you can imagine - it is horrific.. I am told 'usually' NOT to contact him.. LEAVE him alone.. I have very little choice but to let him work out his anger... by the time he is angry with his dad.. he is then phoning me very drunk, very depressed and very lonely.. I talk to him for a few weeks before he returns where a lot of frank and open phone-calls really help.. I know he loves me but this really is a tricky situation.. Any help appreciated.. any guidance.. suggestions.. Apart from one really good friend who does a lot of work with the AA and 12-steps as a sponsor.. I've had to cope with this all on my own. I'm seeing a counsellor now to cope with the fallout of his 'extremeness'. Please feel free to add me as a friend etc. Maybe I can help BPD sufferers in a way too..
Thanks for listening.. xxxxx
|Sunday, October 10th, 2010|
A little off topic, but can anyone help me identify something?
Is there a name for the type of personality that feels the need to control other people's lives. You know, the type that tells their partner where they can go and with whom and what they can wear and such?
My husband, who's Borderline and has been in one of his pushing me away modes for several years (but which I have at least been able to translate properly, rather than thinking he's just a jerk :-), seems to have gotten sucked into a relationship with someone like this. It might be related to the Dominant/Submissive BDSM thing, because I know he's never felt especially positive about himself and doesn't have confidence in himself, which leads to identity issues, so it makes sense that he would let this other woman tell him who to be. But I don't have a clue about this particular set of mental illness issues, and don't know how to even begin to think about it, or research it. And I'm wondering if anyone here has had any experience with this type of person.
|Monday, October 4th, 2010|
The answer to all my problems - seriously, ALL of them - has turned out to be:
1. Pay more attention to getting high quality food, water, air, warmth, and sunlight in my life.
2. Make sure to find at least a couple of communities/outlets/spaces where I am free (and sometimes even welcome) to express myself freely, physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually, when I need to.
3. Accept reality. Not necessarily love it. But NOT fight against it, so that I'm at least operating in reality (including messy and "annoying" natural human behavior), and so that I have a chance to at least change my own behavior and/or approach to better avoid problems in the future.
Really, those are the only things I've seen that work to help be heal. Everything else is just a workaround, at best, or harmful, at worst. But focusing on my physical health (good stuff in = good stuff out!), and respecting my need to detoxify in whatever way I need to, and bringing myself back to reality by recognizing that whatever happened happened for a REASON, and that nothing else could possibly have happened, given the very specific circumstances of the universe at the time, has allowed me to get past pretty much every problem I've had recently.
I'd love to hear from others who are using this simple (but not necessarily easy to do in this world) approach. How does eating healthier food, and getting more fresh air and sunlight helped you? How useful is it to you to have places to vent? How has "radical acceptance" (as the DBT folks call it) helped you get more good stuff out of your life?
|Saturday, September 25th, 2010|
This was posted by the man I pledged my life to...
I don't think he made the website in question, but he's promoting it
He's got the most serious case of painting me black that I've ever seen. It's totally insane, and his "friends" encourage him to do it (they like to make other people miserable for fun).
We've got quite the insane story, of course...
We're both Borderline types, though I didn't figure this out until after he cheated on me, even though we'd both been in therapy many times. He's in the avoidant attachment extreme (pretending he doesn't care, and not getting really intimate with anyone, to protect himself from getting hurt) these days. I'm in the anxiety attachment middle most of the time, trudging along the best I can while still being worried, but aiming for a healthy level of positive outlook (and physical health), to keep me sane. The marriage story is that he started cheating on me in July 2007 (after I didn't go on a vacation with him for the first time ever, he got seriously depressed and thought I didn't love him anymore, and he took ecstasy for the first time at the encouragement of his "friends", and ended up getting sucked into an affair with a married woman who is also pretty emotionally messed up. He's since left her and encouraged his new, married, girlfriend to prosecute her in court). He left me, and told me to start seeing other men, and in my weakness and desperation, after a couple of months of him being gone/cheating, I did cheat as well (mostly to make my husband jealous, but also to alleviate my depression). Then he came back to me for a while (it worked!), but ended up too scared to stay with me (it backfired!). (He literally said he'd die if I left him for the other guy, and that it was easier for him to leave me and not take the risk of losing me, because I was stronger than he was.) And then he got sucked into kind of a cult of miserable, messed up people, who love to create drama, and seem to be trying to drive him (and me) to suicide (both of us have been very close).
So yeah, my life isn't easy. But I'm not giving up on him. Not when I know whats really going on inside him. Not when I know his fears and his love that's hidden deep, deep inside him. On the surface he's great a putting on a facade. But he trusted me with his secret, and so I know that it's all just a show. A really stupid and cruel comedy~tragedy type show.
Which is funny, since he's always said he hated Shakespeare... :-)
Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. I just needed to put this out there into the world. It needed to be recorded somewhere reasonably safe.
Feel free to rant back at me saying that I'm a total fuckup and need to leave him. That's what most of his "friends" do, so I'm used to it. :-)