underneath The Wise Turtle (turil) wrote in bpdisorder,
underneath The Wise Turtle

A little off topic, but can anyone help me identify something?

Is there a name for the type of personality that feels the need to control other people's lives. You know, the type that tells their partner where they can go and with whom and what they can wear and such?

My husband, who's Borderline and has been in one of his pushing me away modes for several years (but which I have at least been able to translate properly, rather than thinking he's just a jerk :-), seems to have gotten sucked into a relationship with someone like this. It might be related to the Dominant/Submissive BDSM thing, because I know he's never felt especially positive about himself and doesn't have confidence in himself, which leads to identity issues, so it makes sense that he would let this other woman tell him who to be. But I don't have a clue about this particular set of mental illness issues, and don't know how to even begin to think about it, or research it. And I'm wondering if anyone here has had any experience with this type of person.
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October 11 2010, 00:24:36 UTC 6 years ago

Um how is your husband letting some else else take control over him if he is YOUR husband? Take away his car keys or something yeesh
Yes, clearly I should try to control him. That's so totally the answer! Why would I want my husband to be free, when I could make him a broken and pathetic slave!


Sorry, I still want to know what you call this particular illness. Any ideas?


October 11 2010, 01:20:08 UTC 6 years ago

Hahahahha so you're okay with him cheating on you? Alright then shouldve said so inthefirst place. Are you sure he's the one who is crazy or you?!
Everyone's "crazy" in some way.
wait.. is this "relationship" based on BDSM lifestyle? if so, it could be part of the dynamic. i know there are a lot of Dom/Dommes out there that are VERY controlling and will tell you where to go, when to do it, down to basic human functions. most subs can handle this as this is what they crave, but i'm not so sure about someone with a mental illness, if it's a positive relationship to have..
I'm just trying to figure out what the official illness is called when someone feels that need to control others, whether it's part of an "accepted" culture or not. Any ideas? It's odd that I don't think I've ever heard of it, even though it's a fairly common one you hear about with abusive relationships.
i can be a part of an abusive relationship, but it can also be an important part of a BDSM dynamic. you had mentioned it so that's why i was asking.

if his bpd isn't "under control", then that kind of relationship may be more harmful to him than anything else.
I'm not interested into talking about the health of this kind of relationship, but please don't forget that self-harm is still self-harm if you let someone else do it to you. Harm is always harm, and unless there is a very good reason for it, it's NOT healthy.

But I know that's something people need to learn that on their own, and I'm certainly not going to convince anyone to seek out more healing ways to live. :-)


November 13 2010, 18:13:40 UTC 6 years ago


Also, she was in court yesterday because her ex-husband filed a restraining order against her. She gave a ten minute speech about how the restraining order would violate her freedom of speech. The judge didn't buy it. As he was talking to the bailiff, she ran up to him and tackled her ex, in front of about 30 random witnesses, the court clerk, two bailiffs, and the judge who'd just granted the restraining order. She'll be arraigned on assault, battery, violation of restraining order, and contempt of court charges on Monday. She's getting to spend the weekend mulling her insanity in the court jail.

She's a dangerous lunatic, but she's also genuinely mentally ill. She'll probably be locked away for a decent while.
Control freak? Someone who has control issues?

sorry, I don't think there's a specific disorder associated with control issues. The closest I could find was narcissistic personality disorder, which Wikipedia partially describes:
To the extent that people are pathologically narcissistic, they can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views, unaware of others' needs and of the effects of their behavior on others, and insistent that others see them as they wish to be seen.


The exploitativeness, sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, disregard for others, and constant need for attention inherent in NPD adversely affect interpersonal relationships.

among other things. Here's the link Narcissistic personality disorder

of course, it could be something totally different, or part of the S/M role adherence. Good luck to all concerned. I hope things work out well.
That may be what they end up putting folks like that in. Others seem to suggest that this is what she's got. But I was thinking that there must be a more specific term for the specific obsessive behavior of needing to control others, rather than the more general concept of desperately needing attention and reassurance of the more classic Narcissism behavior.

But thanks for offering this. The oddest thing she's said/done that triggered my understanding of some of the things that are going on behind my back are that she said (to someone else) that my husband's other girlfriend wasn't allowed to think a certain thing, and that someone else didn't have a right to find her behavior unacceptable. And now she seems to be pretending to be my husband, making websites (attacking me) in his name, and emailing me from his email account. These are foreign concepts to me, and I don't even know where to begin to understand them. So your Wikipedia description at least gives me a direction to go. I knew she had some Borderline issues as well, since she has a tendency to see people either as her best friends (and partners, as she has many of all genders, apparently), or her mortal enemies, who she obsessively tries to destroy (usually with her "friends" support), so I understood that approach a bit, though I've never really been that kind of Borderline (I rarely push anyone away that horribly - my pushing is usually very, very short, or at least mild and more like I'm just ignoring someone). But this other stuff I just don't even see how it's possible. And since it seems like everyone is looking to me to cure her or something, I guess I'm going to have to get to work here. :-)
I don't think this is something that someone else can cure. I think it's something they have to do for themselves after everything has failed. Then they get into therapy and hopefully, 8 to 10 years later, they'll have a grip on controlling it.
Yes, I know that's the common belief that the corporate medical folks promote, and many well meaning healthcare workers get brainwashed into believing, too. But you'll eventually discover that it's simply NOT true, if you spend any time really investigating the field. The goal of that message is to get you to become dependent on their services and drugs. But it not only doesn't work, it also is often the total opposite way to actually cure people (which is very much possible, as I've seen myself, in a number of cases).

Actually understanding the causes of an illness, and treating it by acknowledging those causes, added to literally just taking good care of the body, is what allows people to heal.


November 13 2010, 18:18:41 UTC 6 years ago

Having just checked out the Wikipedia article, I just have to say how unscientific the field of psychology tends to be, and how unuseful their descriptions are. It's like they are more interested in attacking people and giving them a bad name than actually helping them and understanding what's really going on. I look at that description, which is indeed mostly "official" and I just weep. It's essentially bullying and insults, and is, itself, the product of mental illness of some sort. It's like anxiety ridden paranoid Borderline types wrote it. Which is almost funny, if it weren't seriously what's being funded and used in mainstream "healthcare". Ouch!

No wonder people don't heal, with this sort of negative approach to seeing illness.