Sally's JournalSpaz (brotherwoo) wrote in bpdisorder,
Sally's JournalSpaz

Looking for support

I'm really looking for support here.. I have just finally been able to diagnose (from a partners point of view) what my boyfriend of 3 years is suffering from. He actually has every classic symptom on the chart without exception. I love him so much. I have tried to work with him from day 1. He has just ran off again after demonizing me as his enemy again. He usually has a 2 month cycle.. he will go from mine to his dads and back again.. always around 2 months before he demonizes us. When he is sedate he is absolutely lovely and does the idealising thing. By nature I do that all the time because I am quite earth mothery.. that might be how we work.. but also I have huge tolerance. I really want us to succeed. It seems what he does is that if any little perceived thing goes wrong.. he either feels terrible, embarrassed, stupid or guilty.. and a lot of the time he accuses me of making him feel like that when it's already inside him waiting to come out.. I think after reading about BPD, what he thinks will happen after these minute life-things (for example breaking a glass) he thinks I will tell him to go (the abandonment thing) and this sets off a whole trigger of emotional collapse where he seems to find it most easiest to hate.. he goes silent.. doesn't want me anywhere near him.. this includes in sight or in the same room.. he will leave that room.. by hating me I understand it is easier than crying/begging don't hurt me/leave me (which won't happen) he must suddenly feel really sick inside.. and I really try to resolve it with talking.. the timing when he runs off happens because his unresolved anger at all the tiny things that build up, literally explode into a full blown episode of immense hate.. he packs his bags in front of me.. is very manipulative, verbally abusive.. belittling.. enjoying it.. I believe he is 'fixing' himself by packing and leaving me every time.. taking the punishment out on me.. for the resentment of his past.. it makes him feel instantly in control and cutting off emotion with it must make him feel absolutely fantastic.. I can imagine he almost gets a high.. but for me as you can imagine - it is horrific.. I am told 'usually' NOT to contact him.. LEAVE him alone.. I have very little choice but to let him work out his anger... by the time he is angry with his dad.. he is then phoning me very drunk, very depressed and very lonely.. I talk to him for a few weeks before he returns where a lot of frank and open phone-calls really help.. I know he loves me but this really is a tricky situation.. Any help appreciated.. any guidance.. suggestions.. Apart from one really good friend who does a lot of work with the AA and 12-steps as a sponsor.. I've had to cope with this all on my own. I'm seeing a counsellor now to cope with the fallout of his 'extremeness'. Please feel free to add me as a friend etc. Maybe I can help BPD sufferers in a way too..

Thanks for listening.. xxxxx
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I wish you lots of courage as you take this difficult and rewarding path!

You might, if you haven't already, check out attachment theory. The basic idea is that people get trained, by rejection, to just avoid being close to others, and avoid looking to them for comfort when they are stresses (which in this world, is pretty much constantly). This is what they call "high functioning" end of Borderline, which is, ironically, the worst and most destructive end, where the person functions furthest from reality, as a protection mechanism so that they can "do what needs to be done" (fit into the unhealthy society, so that they can just survive, and get enough food, water, shelter, etc.). They get better when they start to open up and let ALL their feelings out. This is the middle range of the spectrum of Borderline, which is often called "low functioning" and is much healthier than high functioning, as on it's way to recovery, as the person finally, and honestly, rejects the shitty societal norms (which I like to call the rat race and oppressive military industrial complex which tries to control the public by repressing them and making them addicted to corporations and government). As soon as the person has someone who consistently sticks with them, and supports them in seeing how shitty the world is, and how we all deserve a better world to live in, one which doesn't make people compete just to survive, and instead supports everyone to be actually healthy, then they will start to (slowly!) feel safe trusting someone.

One thing I've found truly helpful, in dealing with my own, and my AWOL husband's Borderline tendencies is to focus on taking the best care of our bodies as possible, since the brain is such a very sensitive piece of equipment, and is highly susceptible to deficiencies and toxicities in our food, water, air, and other environmental areas. Many folks are deficient in Omega 3 fatty acids (I eat/drink a couple of tablespoons of raw chia seeds every day mixed into juice, raw nutmilk, or water, when I can afford it), as a deficiency in this important brain nutrient has been shown to cause anxiety, depression, and anger. Many people are also deficient in sunlight which causes a deficiency in vitamin D, which is another important nutrient for the brain. And don't get me started on air pollution and the toxic crap that is intentionally put into municipal water! And the media is full of "junk food" for your brain!

So yeah, even if you can't eliminate all the crap in your lives, you can at least acknowledge that it's there and making you sick, in all sorts of ways that you might not have realized. Understanding this is the first step in healing. Once you have something concrete to focus on doing - improving your, and your partner's, physical health and environment - then you have hope!

Again, I really do wish you lots of courage, and success, as you continue up the mountain of compassion and love...
I should add that your partner leaves you most likely to protect YOU (not himself), because he feels like he's not able to control himself, and thinks he's likely to really hurt you if he actually does let himself open up to you. If there is a way for you to let him really open up, with his most intense and painful stuff, and still with you being safe, that might be really helpful to everyone.
Thanks Turil for taking the time to answer.

After his 'angry' phase.. he always tells me he thought it was best that he clears off out of me and my sons life.. it always seems that he feels he is not good enough generally.. no matter how much I praise him.. his self doubt always gets the better of him. The irony is he places himself back at home with his dad.. not me.. :/
He could indeed be right about it being best if he goes away for a while, especially since there is a kid involved.

I wonder what would happen if you appreciated this approach, and, to agree with him, in whatever way you can find to honestly do so. (I'm sure you agree that if he really did get violent, and let his deepest, most powerful anger out, it would be better for him to do so away from your son, right?) Even if you want him there, you can agree that you don't know what's best, and that you trust him to do what's right. As soon as he sees that you're not fighting him, he will feel a little safer, and a little more confident in himself, which is what he needs. :-) When he is in his more open and healthy phase, you can offer to help him find other options for solving his problems, so that you can collaboratively find more win-win solutions to future problems.
Thank you so much.. I have learnt to let go and let him work things out. It's so difficult as I miss him so much every day.. and we know each other so well... but he can only get better if he cuts himself off totally and isolates himself. It is so very difficult for me.. he gets on very well with my son but he thinks this is what he deserves.. a life little more than golem.. I cannot change his view but I know I have helped him so far and good therapy will be the icing on the cake that we need.. I know also not to be so selfish that maybe his life is safer being reclusive.. because in that way he doesn't feel at all.. apart from loss.. but drink helps alleviate this.. thank you for all your words.. I really need this and they are helping.. xx
As soon as he can start getting more of what he needs to be healthy (body/brain), he'll stop needing to hide. Seriously, do look into nutritional stuff, and see if there is a way that you can improve his physical health by adding some super foods or even just vitamins into his body.
Well.. :) he has come off all his meds and is no longer physically dependent on alcohol... and has become vegetarian/vegan for 4 months so far.. he still smokes occasionally.. (which gives him his mood swings unfortunately) but he was going down the right road.. he was going to start going to evening church services on a Sunday for some spirituality too.. but he has totally panicked and gone AWOL again.. so so sad.. he was so at a pivotal crossways again.. I will update.. but I am just totally saddened that he hates me again at this point.. because I know it's not real.. it's all so sad.. :(
good post/thread. good info here. on the other end of this today.