Cara (fancydressmasks) wrote in bpdisorder,
Cara
fancydressmasks
bpdisorder

Attaching yourself to certain things/loss of identity/unstable sense of self/projection.

I just wondered if anybody else experiences this.

I read an entry on here recently in which someone said that as soon as they have the slightest bit of romantic interest in someone, they constantly imagine that person being there with them, and act accordingly to what this person would think. They even imagine that this person can hear their thoughts, and wonder what they would think etc. So in a way, they kind of lose themselves and become defined by this person. Now, I do this too.

But it also got me thinking of something else that I do, which is very similar, with tv programmes. Most people watch tv as light entertainment and unless they are watching it/looking forward to watching it, don't think about it much. However, when a certain tv programme I watch is airing, for however many weeks/months that may be, it is as if I live my life half in the real world and half inside that tv programme. It's really hard to describe, but it's like that tv programme is constantly there with me. It's more than just being a fan of the show. It's as if I and my lifestyle is somehow defined by it.

I cling onto the show, become very attached to and absorbed by it. It is even worse with reality tv shows, as these are more real. For example, X Factor is airing currently and I feel as if I am only slightly in my actual life, but far more connected to the X Factor. Which sounds crazy, I know. With reality tv shows, it's likely I'll get very, very attached to a certain contestant, and then I am consistently terrified of that person being voted out of the show, because it always has a very strong negative effect on me. When this has happened in the past, I've gone into periods of depression which can last upto a week, which seems so irrational. The tv show kind of seems more real than my actual life.

When the show (most strongly Skins, Big Brother and The X Factor) is on, it's like I'm consumed by it, and the knowledge of it ending is always in the back of my mind, and fills me with a kind of dread. When a series ends, I feel very lost and confused and don't know what to do with myself. Everything can seem very bland and empty. It's like I unknowingly tie myself to it and when it's gone, so have I - I'm just lost and empty.

I don't really know how else to describe it. It sounds really weird now, reading it, but that's how it is. Does anyone else get this?
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