kateborg (kateborg) wrote in bpdisorder,
kateborg
kateborg
bpdisorder

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new!!

(long, triggers)

Im new to the group. I have been dealing with BPD for pretty much my whole life. I am what you call the girl with every check. every sign of it i got. I haven't ever taken meds for it, cause i had a really bad drug problem. I will be clean of drugs 2 years on june.1st. I haven't cut in maybe, 2.5 years! I haven't had a real mental breakdown in a long time, i have kind of pushed the BPD into the back of my mind to try and get on with my life. So far it was good. They came the birth of my son a year ago may.6th, well let me just tell you i had no idea about him at all. so im like the women on didn't know i was pregnant.... Well i wasnt with the father at the point of me having my son. However i was dealing with 6 years of off and on with him. I was so in love, but he lied, cheated, stole. everything. Also has a 3 year old daughter i just found out about. Well after i had my son hey placed him in foster care cause i didnt have the ideal life. he was placed for a month before i got him back when i was living in a kind of group home for moms and babies. It was a really hard time, me and the father tried to work things out. Then i found the other women he had been lying to me about for almost 3 years. I did end up taking him back before new years when i moved back home, well i moved in with his parents. thank god they were there for me, cause my family is a load of fucking shit. well we got a room for new years, 2 hours before midnight she shows up at the door. Shes was all like i was with him in his room 2 hours before you got here and we were smoking meth together, then the owner comes and says this is true. Well this just broke me into a million and a half pieces. I had held on for so long i was scared of hitting rock bottom again. he made me believe this was all a lie and it never happened. Well let me tell you we stayed together for a couple more months then out of no where he stopped talking to me cause they got back together. didnt dump me, just stopped talking to me. well at that time i took to drinking alot, i was never drunk around my son or badly hungover. well childrens aid got involved cause he called them. jerk right, well they placed my son with his family. Im now living on my moms floor. everything just hit me at once. i havent ever felt this way before. i am sooo broken i cant breath half the time. I now have to do a drug treatment/parenting group. Im waiting about 3 more months before i can even think of getting my son back. I am 100 percent sober and trying to do everything for him. I am with a new guy, but i havent even met him. He lives 3 hours away from me, but were madly in love. Yet my bpd is getting in the way and i try and end it everyday cause im so scared of getting hurt like my ex hurt. this guy is perfect in everyway. we talk 24-7. He is a huge support to me i have never been so happy to have a guy in my life. Im just sooooo scared of everything. well again things were going good, i found a job i start training for today. I might have a cute little apartment to stay at till i find a bigger place end of the month. Then yesterday i find out my ex is going to marry the women he cheated on me for 3 years with. Im sooo lost right now. I hate him but i love him. I thought he was my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever........ I dont know what to do anymore. Im freaking out. I want to crawl into a ball and die. I cant if i want to get my son back, but its reall hard going thought life when all i can think of is why cant i just have one thing good for me. yes i do have the most perfect son in the world. yet im not allowed to be alone with him and i dont see him more then 2 times a week. Sure i have the most awesome supportive boyfriend i can ever imagine. yet we sill havent meet and when we do we cant see each other more then once or twice a month.... I dont know what to do anymore.... im falling off the deep end......
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