Sally's JournalSpaz (brotherwoo) wrote in bpdisorder,
Sally's JournalSpaz

Looking for support

I'm really looking for support here.. I have just finally been able to diagnose (from a partners point of view) what my boyfriend of 3 years is suffering from. He actually has every classic symptom on the chart without exception. I love him so much. I have tried to work with him from day 1. He has just ran off again after demonizing me as his enemy again. He usually has a 2 month cycle.. he will go from mine to his dads and back again.. always around 2 months before he demonizes us. When he is sedate he is absolutely lovely and does the idealising thing. By nature I do that all the time because I am quite earth mothery.. that might be how we work.. but also I have huge tolerance. I really want us to succeed. It seems what he does is that if any little perceived thing goes wrong.. he either feels terrible, embarrassed, stupid or guilty.. and a lot of the time he accuses me of making him feel like that when it's already inside him waiting to come out.. I think after reading about BPD, what he thinks will happen after these minute life-things (for example breaking a glass) he thinks I will tell him to go (the abandonment thing) and this sets off a whole trigger of emotional collapse where he seems to find it most easiest to hate.. he goes silent.. doesn't want me anywhere near him.. this includes in sight or in the same room.. he will leave that room.. by hating me I understand it is easier than crying/begging don't hurt me/leave me (which won't happen) he must suddenly feel really sick inside.. and I really try to resolve it with talking.. the timing when he runs off happens because his unresolved anger at all the tiny things that build up, literally explode into a full blown episode of immense hate.. he packs his bags in front of me.. is very manipulative, verbally abusive.. belittling.. enjoying it.. I believe he is 'fixing' himself by packing and leaving me every time.. taking the punishment out on me.. for the resentment of his past.. it makes him feel instantly in control and cutting off emotion with it must make him feel absolutely fantastic.. I can imagine he almost gets a high.. but for me as you can imagine - it is horrific.. I am told 'usually' NOT to contact him.. LEAVE him alone.. I have very little choice but to let him work out his anger... by the time he is angry with his dad.. he is then phoning me very drunk, very depressed and very lonely.. I talk to him for a few weeks before he returns where a lot of frank and open phone-calls really help.. I know he loves me but this really is a tricky situation.. Any help appreciated.. any guidance.. suggestions.. Apart from one really good friend who does a lot of work with the AA and 12-steps as a sponsor.. I've had to cope with this all on my own. I'm seeing a counsellor now to cope with the fallout of his 'extremeness'. Please feel free to add me as a friend etc. Maybe I can help BPD sufferers in a way too..

Thanks for listening.. xxxxx
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